You might as well...

I grew up believing that looks don't (shouldn't?) matter. Consequently, I dated a slew of (no offense) inconsequential-looking guys. I didn't hold my breath waiting for a hunk to ask me out, nor did I dream of anything earth shattering and lasting with a hottie. I gave chances to each guy who asked me out in the form of at least one date. I was nice to each and every one. Yes, even the Ugs. Simply because the adage You Never Know rang strong in me. (Although, to be frank, I am human: if they were too representative of Citizens of Ug, I couldn't take them seriously.)

Then, my ex happened. He didn't have, physically, anything I ever wished for: he wasn't that much bigger than me, he was short for a guy, he didn't have a masculine voice (think David Beckham), his shoulders were unimpressive to say the least. But he was NICE. He was sweet and thoughtful. He wasn't arrogant or egotistical. He had a sense of humour. He didn't check out other girls infront of me (or he didn't get caught doing it). He respected my culture, my roots and my comparatively traditional way of thinking.

We were together for 2 1/2 years and we were blissfully happy for almost all of it. I loved him, so much... and I can honestly say that it was reciprocated.

We broke up suddenly. I didn't see it coming; apparently, he'd been going through his own internal turmoil which came to light the Sunday morning he came by to break up with me. He needed to do it because he had just realised exactly HOW LONG we'd been together. I was his first girlfriend and he didn't know how to deal with the idea of "two and a half years". I wasn't asking or hoping for marriage, but he was feeling the pressure of commitment anyway.

After two and a half years, he realised the commitment was too much. When I asked him, "Why now, after all this time?", he replied helplessly: "I didn't think about it. It never occurred to me."

And then I thought, "Wow, think about how you'd feel if he realised this after FIVE years or something similar...". I reckon it was the shock talking.

This was quite a while ago and I have since gotten over the pain and betrayal. Surprisingly, now I have a much stronger sense of self-worth. You would think that I'd come out of this with insecurity issues, but I believe in myself so much more now. I believe I deserve better than that. I believe I Deserve It All. The love, the commitment, the trust, the friendship, the companionship, and yes, the physical attraction.

I must admit, though, that while I have long-since forgiven my ex for his weaknesses (his youth?), I have also come out of that relationship with a sense of mild contempt for men in general: even a genuinely nice guy like him can break my heart. I had to let go of the popular stereotype that "only the blatantly good-looking ones can and will do that". Men are, regardless of their physicaly extrerior, human. And every human has the capacity to screw up, and screw you over.

So this is my current philosophy on dating: if a nice-but-unhot man can be an asshole as much as the nice hunk, then I might as well date the nice hunk. I have been doing this and trust me, it's not been a disappointing experience. Now that I allow myself to want the nice, attractive ones, I actually get them. Yes, they exist. Stereotypes of handsome JERKS are true to a large degree, but you'd be surprised at how many hot SWEETEHARTS are out there, too.


Like... the reasoning behind this philosophy is, until he fucks up, I would've had much fun enjoying him physically. I know this sounds dirty but it's not meant to be. I know I sound bitter/cynical...and I am, but only to a certain extent. I implore you, think about it.

If two products are generally going to perform the same, then why not opt for the prettier version? It'd look better on your arm (and feel better in your arms) until the expected shitty end. And if there IS no shitty end, just a happy ending, well, you struck it lucky. You got a happy ending with the more aesthetically-pleasing model than the basic 1.0 version.

You know how they say that "nice guys finish last"? I suspect that people say that to refer to the less-than-amazing looking specimens of nice men. And I completely disagree: I have never been into arrogance, and I don't do Bad Boys. There is complete disinterest. A man's personality and inherent goodness is the be-all and end-all for me. Looks don't matter, and I mean that to my bones. However. Until I find a man who is good enough on the inside, I won't stop myself from appreciating and/or pursuing those that are good on the outside.

Porn

Wow, it's been exactly two months since my last post. Working 6 days a week'll do that to you, eh?

I hadn't been shopping in ages... and when that happens, I make for shoes.com, probably the best shoe site I know of for now. It has amazing choice and the most beautiful pictures, like many other websites, but the thing that makes it stand out for me is the description provided for each and every pair of shoes it sells. Nowhere else have I found such detailed narrative, and let me tell you, reading them is like porn for me. I could spend hours trolling the site, reading and savouring every word. Vamp, peep-toe, ruched, patent leather, satin, crushed velvet, column-style heel,... oh, shoe jargon! Unlike every other site I've been to, here, each gorgeous, evocative paragraph actually does justice to the shoe it is describing.

I don't know why, but I can somehow understand everything I read on shoes.com even though I had no idea of the different parts of the shoe before discovering this site. My heartrate kicks up reading the stuff here, I shit you not.

Take, for example, their description of Betsey Johnson's Warwick shoes in red:

Satisfy your craving for perfect fashion zen with these gorgeous Asian inspired
Betsy Johnson Warwick heels. Printed brocade fabric upper with round peep toe,
contouring heel with geometric scalloped cutout detail and metallic front ankle
wrap strap with adjustable metal buckle, open sided vamp and ruched brocade
instep overlays with triple center knot detailing. Cushioned metallic logo
footbed, smooth patterned logo outsole, 4 inch metallic wrapped stiletto wedge
heel.

Gaaaahhhhhhhh.

Read also, about Report Signature's Blondie in silver leather:

You'll be enraptured by this bewitching dress style from Report Signature.
Smooth leather upper in a dress slingback style, with a round open toe, mirrored
sequin style overlays on thin front straps, full outer arch panel, heel sling
strap with inner hidden elastic panel and open inner arch. Smooth leather
lining, cushioned insole with logo accented heel pad. Dress midsole. Smooth
dress style outsole with a polished TPU 3 3/4 inch high column style stiletto
dress heel.

Like I said. PORN.

Wooo-weee!

The world feels right again. I went to Bukit Bintang today and scored my first pair of shoes since The Ban. Sure, it took me a while to find the one pair that I deemed worthy to be The Pair To End The Ban. But find them I did, and they are FABULOUS, people, just faaaaaaaabulous. Totally worth the wait. I think about them now and I still burst into a fit of giggles. I want to run downstairs, take them out of their box, take them to bed, snuggle them up (clasp them?) against my loving bosom through the night. That, or sleep with them on...and waking up periodically to admire them, giggle deliriously, and collapse into sleep again, of course.

It was instant love. I clapped my eyes on them: sitting, almost forlorn, on their Full Price shelf amidst the year-end-sale chaos of this random little shoestore, they were the perfect way to end my fast. They are bright, sunshine-y yellow slides with a slim wedge heel, and they each come with a gorgeous, shimmery, gauze-y, bright yellow bow/flower-thing topped jauntily on the outside edge that is just big enough to catch your eye, but not big enough to look like they're swamping your feet. How marvelously Stepford-Wives! How outrageously impractical!

Imagine that with a flirty, swishy little summer dress that comes just to your knees...ooh.

Hold on while I compose myself.

Anyway, here they are (Eeeee!):

Another Never-Will-Have Must-Have

Yet another stunning, totally unique pair of shoes I stumbled across during one of my interweb-window-shopping sojourns:

These are by Charmone. Notice the pewter-coloured stiff-satin ruffles lacing the edges of the black velvet uppers of the shoe--which are done in d'orsay style, no less! (D'orsay heels are one of my favourite styles.)

I mean, can't you just picture them with a tight little black pencil skirt?

They are so fabulously dramatic, so unapologetically flamboyant, that I feel like I must have them. Le sigh... Be still my heart.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them

Oh my GOD. One of my ex students developed a crush on me and confessed. Idiot that I am, I tried to handle it gently by giving him the "No I can't because I am your teacher and my career's at stake but let's be friends" speech. I also made it a point to be nice to him so he didn't feel like I was weirded out by his passionate confessions. He seemed all devastated, but kept talking to me online, which lulld me into a false sense of security. Over time he seemed to conveniently forget that I'd already rejected his advances at the very beginning.

He began to ask me out on dates again and I kept saying I'm busy; but because he knows I regularly lunch with my other students, I said (to be fair) hey, we can have lunch during your lunch break if you want. THEN, he says he can't understand me: "do you want something or not? sometimes you say you are busy busy busy, then you say no dinner but lunch ok."

And I'm like OMFG. Were you not listening? I am NOT one of those girls who plays games. What I say is what you get. Where along the line did my career become dispensible? Where along the line did I flirt with you or accept your proclamations/advances? Where along the line did I bring our conversations anywhere NEAR non-platonic?

Needless to say, I set the story straight then and there. Dude, it is NOT gonna happen. Dude, MY CAREER. Dude, the lunch offer was a lunch offer between FRIENDS. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING MORE. Do you understand? No mincing of words. I was/am so frustrated that I don't even feel bad about it yet. As expected, he spat out an Ok, I have to go now.

I blocked him on my messenger account.

I mean, he's my age, he's no longer a student at my workplace, and he's a really sweet guy except for the persistence and mild harassment. I would've given him a chance because I give all guys a chance (my only condition is that nothing about him repulses me, and you gotta admit that's a pretty fair call), but for him, I could not. He has friends still studying where I work, and if I went out with him, his friends would definitely hear about it... and that would be the end of my credibility as a teacher. I would just be another girl at the school. Not a teacher, but a chick who was fair game for anyone game enough to take a shot. Bloody hell, I think about it and it makes me shudder. I cannot imagine anyone tempting enough to change my mind.

What is happening to the world? Is there no more sense of boundaries between student and teacher? I mean, most of my male students hit on me; that's still tolerable because they're totally not serious (I think they're just doing it for kicks and to see how much they can get away with) and it's amusing (like wow, I'm the Hot Teacher), but when they start giving you love letters and proclaiming undying love for you after a month? When they leave the school without letting on that they fancy you, and then BAM! one day seek you out and tell you the reason they left was so they could confess to you and ask you out? Jesus.

Usually I feel so bad about it, which is why I make it a point never never never to flirt with my students in any shape or form. But it's still happening, and I am starting to fray at the edges.

I Wanna Know - Joe

I was listening to the radio just now and this song came on. It's like so old; I think it was released when I was still a teen, and I hadn't heard it in yonks. I forgot how much I liked it! It's the ultimate in cheesy love songs, but I reckon we're all allowed our guilty pleasures. Besides, it's a notch up from Lionel Richie (--not that I don't like HIM either!--check out I Call It Love, his latest offering).



I mean, the melody is just so sweet, so soothing, so bone-melt-y. And the lyrics, while cheesy, are so romantic. The eye-roll factor is almost totally nullified when coupled with the melody and the earnestness that is Joe's singing. Well, it is in my book anyway:


I Wanna Know - Joe

It's amazing how you knock me off my feet, hmm
Everytime you come around me I get weak, oh yeah
Nobody ever made me feel this way, oh
You kiss my lips and then you take my breath away
So I wanna know

[1] -
I wanna know what turns you on
So I can be all that and moreI'd like to know what makes you cry
So I can be the one who always makes you smile
Girl he never understood what you were worth, hmm no
And he never took the time to make it work
(You deserve more loving, girl)

Baby I'm the kind of man who shows concern, yes I do, oh
Anyway that I can please you let me learn
So I wanna know

[Repeat 1]

[2] -
Tell me what I gotta do to please you
Baby anything you say I'll do
Cause I only wanna make you happy
From the bottom of my heart, it's true

[Repeat 2]

I wish that I could take a journey through your mind, alright
And find emotions that you always try to hide babe, oh
I do believe that there's a love you wanna share, oh, oh
I'll take good care of you lady, have no fear, oh
So I wanna know

[Repeat 1]
[Repeat 2 (2x)]
[Repeat 1 till end]

I guess there's no hiding that I'm a total romantic by now, so I'll just come right out and admit it: I think that many, if not most women, dream of a man out there who would feel (and do) for them, all those things Joe sings about in I Wanna Know. Sigh. No? C'monnnnn. He's singing about wanting to know you so he can do everything and MORE to please you. ;)

[Along the same vein of the sweet "I want to know you" type lyric is Inside Out by Bryan Adams (whom I love as well, incidentally!)]



Cue cynical Pfff from men and offended feminists.



Joe may just be trying to get into women's pants around the world, but he sure is on the right track with that song. :p

Quips

Just wanted to share two funny things I heard while vegging out in front of the TV. The quotes below aren't verbatim:

(1) "In the end, we're all black...in the dark." - Some black celebrity-dude-person, I can't remember who, on some music channel.

(2) "Anything a man can do, a woman can do better. Except the stupid things." - Kimora Lee Simmons (she is so hot)