I write this to immortalise my current thoughts and feelings in black-and-white. I write this in the hopes that one day, when I feel all bitter and cynical and angry and unfulfilled with my chosen path in teaching ESL, I will chance upon this post again. I never want to forget the things I feel and believe in right now, when I have newly been launched into the practical world of teaching. I hope I never forget the main reason I decided to do what I do: to help others do things they always dreamed of, to touch their lives somehow.
I am two weeks into teaching my first ever class. My very own class. 21 of them, all mine. (Wow.) I've got 3 women--1 Japanese, 1 Arab, 1 Vietnamese. The rest are young men--2 Koreans, 1 Chinese, 14 Arabs.
My students are generally lovely. This class is anyway. (Most of the boys are just... so irrepressible. Deliciously cheeky. The quieter ones are equally charming because they find their ways to interact with me. And the girls! Gosh they do try so hard, and I feel their effort, and it is gratifying. They enjoy their boisterous classmates as much as I do.) I KNOW I'll get dickheads in the future, but this batch I've got are so... *sigh*. They are basically the reason why I love what I am doing. They LOOK UP to me. God.
They respect me. They believe that I am their (linguistic) superior and they accept what I say without snarkiness, without question. They come to me the moment they aren't 100% sure about something. They freaking THANK me for teaching them. I have a guy who changed classes to go to a more advanced stream because he was too good for the level I'm teaching, and today he stopped me in the corridor to ask me for help in an assignment. And in class today, two of my students told me to my face that they "only like my class" because they "always understand everything I teach".
I mean I know that people should always be all "independent-minded" and question everything, not just make like a sponge, as I've discovered in uni, but I think in 2nd language learning it might not work exactly that way, at least not in the beginning when they don't know enough to question you.
And I know it sounds like I'm just on some power trip or something, but well... you know what I mean right? I feel so APPRECIATED. Kind of how I look up to ...hell, all my bloody lecturers from uni. In my eyes they can do no wrong, they are Gods from the land of Knowledge, and if they do make mistakes it's "always for a good reason". As far as I'm concerned, they are on an indestructible pedestal. (Yes, I'm from that very ancient school of thought.)
And now, it overwhelms me that there are people out there who feel (at least a bit) that way about me. I feel totally undeserving. So humbled. And so freaking honoured. Does that make me a silly person? Does that scream "greenhorn" and "idealist"?
I am not sure I actually care. Sure, some might smirk and wait for the day I become completely disillusioned so they can laugh and feel superior to me. I hope that never happens, but cynicism is hard to keep away as the years of life pile on. Self: Don't ever stop trying and giving your best in every class you teach.
